Tuesday, March 1, 2011

Transparent

It has been very difficult for me to put things into words. I am not for sure how this entry will turn out, but I figured I should try to explain how things are going. It usually helps me feel better after writing my thoughts down, and I know that it can help other PAPs in the future. So here it goes….

It is hard for me to write when I cannot be completely honest and open. But for the sake of protecting our journey/process/family there are times when I can’t be as transparent as I would like on this blog. I can say that March 9th is very important for us. We need to have great news from the judge that day. I don’t just mean ‘need’ as in there is a family that really misses their son and they want to go back as soon as possible. That of course is true. But there is another reason that we just HAVE to have good news on the 9th. That is all I can say about that. And as a result of the impending news here is what has been created…

a person with a split personality!!!

I am a mess. I am an emotional basket case. I cannot focus. My emotions are high and intense. One minute I have an overwhelming sense of peace. I know that God’s timing is going to be perfect for our family. I know that He is going to use our journey and our story to make a positive impact on our lives and the lives of others. I even allow myself to get my hopes up that on March 9th we are going to get our court date and be heading out very soon. THEN the other ‘me’ takes over. I get angry at myself for getting my hopes up. I tell myself to prepare for no news or ‘bad’ news on the 9th. I get consumed with sadness and worry. Then I get upset at my apparent lack of faith that God has this situation under control. And then I get a sense of peace that He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. And then cycle continues.

I am tired. I am stressed. I am sick of being focused on my worries. I am sick of saying I!!! Ugh! I need to choose joy. I need to choose and attitude of gratitude. I need to be thankful for the amazing blessings in my life. I need to be celebrating that there are many families that are being united with their children and starting forever families….

17 comments:

Gloria said...

I so wish I could say the right thing. Just want you to know I am thinking and praying for you to get the good news on the 9th. I will continue to pray for you guys!

singletracey said...

I hope and pray that the news you hope to get come before the 9th.. you sound like you need it..

Whatever the obstacle may be, may Lord God carry you over it...

Tracey~

Willy's Auntie said...

Our family is just embarking on this waiting journey and it's not even me directly, but my sister. I thank you for all of your encouragement that you have given to us. I pray that you will hear the GREAT news on March 9th or before and God will show you His perfect plan.

Tracey and Chuck said...

Thinking and praying for good news on the 9th!

Michelle said...

Your family is in my prayers!

Joel and Clarion said...

I remember feeling that way during the six-month wait between trips when we adopted the boys. Things are moving more quickly now as opposed to then. It won't be long now. We're hoping for some good news shortly after March 9th as well. Hang in there! Vent as much as you want, but know that the Lord's timing is perfect! In the fullness of time He sent His Son! And look what He accomplished in that--salvation for the world! You're in our prayers!

Sabrina and Giorgio said...

Heather, I am hoping and praying you get the answer you are looking for! This past week when I thought there wasn't anything else that could go wrong.. I got a miracle. And I mean a miracle! I pray that whatever is happening will be resolved and you will be back to Vlad soon. Can't wait to catch up with you!

David & Jodi said...

Heather,
We will be praying that you get great news on the 9th. Hang in there. Many times when it gets really bad is when the breakthrough comes in international adoption. I'll pray this is the case for you:)

Carol A said...

Hang in there, Heather!!! Good news will come soon! Thinking of you!
Carol

Doug and Shelly said...

Heather, Please know that we will be praying for great news on March 9th. Mark 11:23 & 24!

Shelly and Steve said...

I am thinking about you and remember too well the terrible wait and uncertainty. Its still painful for me to think about, even with Anna in my arms. I hope you get the news you need!!!

Tanya and Don said...

Hang in there! Praying for you to find peace with all of this and that your prayers are answered. Ahhh, the challenges of adoption for us mortals........

The Cagle's said...

Praying for you now...I appreciate your honesty! I can relate all too well..as you already know adoption is a huge blessing but at the same time the process is so stressful. Waiting on the unknown can be all consuming..Praying for peace for you and your family.

Leigh Ann
www.thecagles.blogspot.com

jsteffen77 said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steffen adventures in Russia said...

I really do feel your pain! It has only been one month since we met our daughter and I am starting to feel my sanity slipping away. We waited 6 months for our son's court date and it was awful! I ended up going to a therapist the last few months just to have someone to help me stay rational. That little evil voice really is evil! Try to hang in there and keep busy! I will be thinking of you and hoping for good news soon!

True Story said...

One thing I've learned from your blog is that it gets no easier on the heart the second time around.

Our heart hurts along with yours friends.

Soon....
We love you!

Anne said...

Oh Heather - praying you get good answers by the 9th!
Anne W