It has been very difficult for me to put things into words. I am not for sure how this entry will turn out, but I figured I should try to explain how things are going. It usually helps me feel better after writing my thoughts down, and I know that it can help other PAPs in the future. So here it goes….
It is hard for me to write when I cannot be completely honest and open. But for the sake of protecting our journey/process/family there are times when I can’t be as transparent as I would like on this blog. I can say that March 9th is very important for us. We need to have great news from the judge that day. I don’t just mean ‘need’ as in there is a family that really misses their son and they want to go back as soon as possible. That of course is true. But there is another reason that we just HAVE to have good news on the 9th. That is all I can say about that. And as a result of the impending news here is what has been created…
a person with a split personality!!!
I am a mess. I am an emotional basket case. I cannot focus. My emotions are high and intense. One minute I have an overwhelming sense of peace. I know that God’s timing is going to be perfect for our family. I know that He is going to use our journey and our story to make a positive impact on our lives and the lives of others. I even allow myself to get my hopes up that on March 9th we are going to get our court date and be heading out very soon. THEN the other ‘me’ takes over. I get angry at myself for getting my hopes up. I tell myself to prepare for no news or ‘bad’ news on the 9th. I get consumed with sadness and worry. Then I get upset at my apparent lack of faith that God has this situation under control. And then I get a sense of peace that He has plans to prosper us and not harm us. And then cycle continues.
I am tired. I am stressed. I am sick of being focused on my worries. I am sick of saying I!!! Ugh! I need to choose joy. I need to choose an attitude of gratitude. I need to be thankful for the amazing blessings in my life. I need to be celebrating that there are many families that are being united with their children and starting forever families….