Thursday, November 25, 2010

Guarded heart or open the flood gates?

My mind won’t stop racing so I am having a hard time sleeping. I am hoping that blogging right now will help empty my mind a bit so I can get some sleep before our house is filled today with about 25 family members. It will be fun to have everyone here to enjoy Thanksgiving.

I want to write more about how our referral came about but it is best for us to wait until we return from the first trip to do so. I can say that this adorable guy is almost 21 months old and is living in Baby Home 3 in Ussuriysk. Blake was in Artem so we will be traveling a bit further each day and experiencing a new baby home.

I am really struggling right now with how much to allow my heart to soften. This is one of the downsides to reading blogs and having traveled down this road once before. Believe me when I tell you that I am already in love with the little guy whose picture is on my computer. No matter what happens he is going to have a place in my heart forever. I want to be joyous, thankful, and excited about that feeling. My heart and sometimes my head tells me to live in the moment and accept these overwhelming feelings of joy. But then there is my logical, cautious, subdued side of my head reminding me of everything that can go wrong and the excruciating wait that is ahead. Then I get annoyed with myself because I feel that shows a complete lack of faith in God’s plans for us. Ugh! Why do I have to think so much?!?! I want so bad to just put all my inhibitions aside and relish in the moment. I just can’t stop thinking of the families that have been a few days from traveling to meet their referral and something happens in which they are no longer allowed to go. Or even worse the people who traveled to meet their son or daughter and are not getting court dates in order to bring them home. Again one part of me says if it is God’s will it is going to happen, but I also know that there are people who interfere with God’s will all of the time and make this life much more difficult than it needs to be. And no matter what, even if everything goes smoothly, the process requires us to leave Russia without our child for a minimum of 2 months. I have been so excited and completely terrified to get to that part of our journey again. Of course it is a blessing but it is a very rough storm to weather as well.

I feel like this post is sounding negative on this Thanksgiving morning. Honestly there is very little negativity in my thoughts right now. Justin and I are amazed out how things have turned out so far. We are so excited to meet the little guy waiting for us in Baby Home 3. Brady, Madison, and Blake are so excited as well. My goal today is to stop stealing trouble from tomorrow and trust in God’s plan for our family.
Have a Happy Thanksgiving everyone!


Masha said...

Happy Thanksgiving! Insomnia here too. :) I just hope you are able to take the risk enough to savor the moment since you will never get it back. Granted my Slavic attitude usually doesn't allow me to do that but it is the right thing. As you said things are God's will... We don't always like the outcome or understand it but one day hopefully all the pieces fit together.

I wrote someone yesterday that there are a few things going that are challenges now but in Macedonian we have a phrase - "the circle is not round." What seems obvious is not and there may be some deviations but in the end
you will end up where you are meant to be. :)

Definitely praying everything goes well for your trip and meeting!

sonflowerjax said...

I will keep praying for you guys! I was going through the same emotions, and not sleeping either before our trip. We are just trying to protect ourselves from getting hurt- which my friend reminded me is dive in! :)

Sabrina and Giorgio said...

For all of us, the big risks we take in this process are more than worth the rewards. You so accurately captured the way we all feel.. the mixed bag of emotions at every step. The excitement and the fear of disappointment at the same time. You're one of those special people who was called upon to take this journey because you are strong and resilient and have the big heart that's needed for this. I take my mind through all the possible scenarios like you and I'm hopeful that we'll all be bringing our children home soon.

So happy for you! Relish the moment and your big family celebration today knowing you WILL be a bigger bunch next year!!

I'm sending you an e-mail ...


Jody said...

How well I can understand. I'm still in the 'guard-the-heart' moment....even after meeting our little guy. Until court is over and he is in our arms, that's likely the stance I will have. It's hard for me to open up.
I can't wait to hear more about your little guy. This is the fun part....enjoy it!! Anticipation abounds in these last couple months before your child is home.

Get some sleep!!! You know all too well the lack of sleep once you are in Russia! Ugghhh. It makes me tired just thinking about it!

I'll be praying for you~

Jen said...

I completely know that feeling.

And what I think I finally had to come to terms with was that it was too late for me - I loved this girl already, with my whole heart, even though I'd never met her. If we lost her, I would have been devastated, no matter how much I pretended I could be otherwise.

Ultimately, I decided to go with the joy, because at that moment, she was my daughter already in my heart. And if worse came to worst and we lost her as our referral, we would have to grieve what would've seemed to be, for us, the loss of our beautiful daughter.

I don't know if this helps or not but know I'll be thinking about you.

Happy Thanksgiving.

Gloria said...

Yes you will have to travel a little longer to see the little guy, we went thru Ussuriysk everytime we went to see our kids, but it will be worth it. Thinking of you guys and praying for you. What great news to read on this beautiful Thanksgiving morning. I am so happy for you and understand your thoughts and feelings of so well.

Happy Thanksgiving Overstreet Family!

Heather and Chad said...

We completely understand what you are saying and have spent the last 5 months there ourselves. My heart has been pulled in a million different directions. Even as I write all of this I know we are days away from our first trip and I am riddled with fear to know that something could go wrong.

My phrase all along has been "cautiously optimistic" as people would ask me questions and inquire about my excitement.

Ultimately.....put your faith in God. He brought you to this journey and he will continue to guide you along as you go.

Remember though that God does not choose just anybody to do his work here on earth. He chose you (and us and so many others) for a reason and pray that he will continue to grant you the strength to make it through the days ahead.

Today be happy and rejoice!!!

True Story said...

H, How blessed this little guy is that you and Justin would follow your hearts down a very difficult path. This process doesn't seem as much about adding to your family anymore, but more about saving a life. I am so proud of you. I love you, Sandy

Corinne said...

What wonderful news ! We just picked up our little boy from Ussuriysk 3 a few days ago.Our little girl is from Arthem.There are several families here at the Vlad Inn in process. I will let them know you are coming.There are several 2 and 3 year old little boys running around.To bad we will miss seeing you we get to come home a few days before you arrive.Best wishes and good luck !

Steffen adventures in Russia said...

Just let your heart go! You may have read our sad story and sad it is, but there is another child out there for us! This has been a very hard week but I do not regret for one second that I carried that little girls picture with me and showed it to everyone! You need to be happy and what will be will be! I hope for the very best for you!