I hesitate to start this entry. I know that I am not going to be able to explain today in a way that every person reading this will understand. Lately I have shied away from real heartfelt entries because I haven’t had the time I need to sit and really try to put my feelings into words. Today is not much different, but it is important for us to document today in our adoption journey. Some of you will get it, and some of you will not. But I’ll do my best to explain.
This second adoption process so far has been just that – a process. We have been going through the paperwork motions and emotionally disconnected from what is happening thus far. We had several conversations leading up to making our decision to go through this one more time. We spent several late nights wondering about the fourth child in our family. Will it be a boy or girl? Will he/she be so open to affection like Blake? Will he/she have more attachment issues than Blake? Will he/she fit in so well to the family like Blake? Etc… Lots of wondering about the child. Once we decided to move forward, it is kind of like the focus shifted from the child to the process. I know that a HUGE part of that is a defense mechanism. We remember all too well what it was like between trip one and two and the horribleness of being separated from your child. It is easier to not let your heart begin to open up to a child you have never met. If your heart isn’t open then you don’t get sad at random times during the day wondering if he/she has had enough to eat; if he/she is rocking themselves to sleep; if the caregiver is having a good day or a bad day while caring for YOUR child. It hurts your heart when you allow yourself to open up to the idea that this whole process is about a child and not about the paperwork. With all that is going on in the business of our lives and to avoid dealing with the emotions lately, we have been thinking very little about the end result of this adoption.
Well last night we had friends over for dinner. They had not seen any of the pictures from our trip to Russia and they had asked if we would share them with them. Of course we love to do this. So we began going through the pictures. I have looked at the pictures tons of times – even recently - and have enjoyed sharing them, but I have not been emotional about them. Last night was a bit different. As I was sharing pictures of Blake with his group mates and Blake saying goodbye to his little friends, I could feel the lump in my throat developing. My heart was hurting for the little ones that were in those pictures. Thankfully once we were done with the pictures, I was able to push those feelings aside and enjoy the rest of the night.
Fast forward to today at church. The sermon today was good, but nothing specifically moving that directly correlated to the adoption or anything. But at one point toward the end I could feel myself disconnecting from what was happening around me and entering into my own little ‘world’. A peace came over me and then BAM my heart and gut just got a feeling that will be with me for some time to come. It will be here to stay until we bring our child home. It was as if God was telling me that He is ready now. I feel with 100% of my being that He has reached a decision as to what little one He has picked for our family. He is ready for us to open our hearts and begin to soften them to the idea of who this little person is. This special moment I had lasted probably less than one minute but it was very moving. Justin and I then had to go to the back of the church to get ready to help serve communion. I just had to tell him what happened. Of course I could barely get any words out as I was crying. But I summed it up by saying, I think God is ready for us now. He has the little one chosen for our family. I somewhat expected Justin to just give me a hug and a look like “yeah, ok dear whatever”. But instead he replied with “I know exactly what you mean. I can feel it too.” I absolutely love that we get to go through this journey together and that I have him as such a support.
So I must say, I am excited for this change of heart. We feel now that we will be praying each day specifically for OUR child. That we are already developing a connection that will help us get through the trying times that are to come. There is still the selfish part of me that isn’t ready for the emotions that go with getting to this stage of the adoption. This is when the waiting begins to get unbearable; when the patience for paperwork process is almost non-existent; when the wondering about the emotional and physical well being of OUR child can be enough to push me to tears at any given time.
God is good though and He knows us better than we even know ourselves. His timing will be impeccable and for some reason today is important to Him and to us in this journey. Let the emotions begin!